Here we go!

I clean up after people, much like one sister. I have a newish job, its been a month or two but I got myself job. It’s something I am really good at. Not like my grammar or spelling or how to form sentences. I let the p/c take care of it. I am a product of my upbringing and going in and out of schools all my life. If you can read me then ok.
I don’t recall any one at home helping me with homework and such, they probably couldn’t get me to sit down long enough. I was not good in school and I never went to college. I was destined to be in the service industry by way of Mom and Grandmother. They were damned good! I learned from them.
I get my cleaning standards from a very picky Aunt who used to scare me as a young child. Her house was always clean.
I work in Housekeeping now, cleaning toilets for tourist who rent condos. I love it and it has been good for me to get out of house.  I don’t have to see anyone as I come in behind plus it’s on MY side of town, not “theirs” so I won’t have to worry about them disrupting my job and treating me like a smelly wet dog. It’s my own little world without them. I am proud of what I do and I am good at it.
I have been getting much braver these past months as well, by going into town and hanging out in public. I usually text a friend to see if it is “safe” before and a few times now they did’nt send me anything back so I just said to myself  “come girl, get on with it”. I have ended up having a really good time and being with nice people.
If I could just grasp that one small thing inside to not be so intimidated by them all. Bullies, sister bullies. I am trying and the new job has helped. Still have my moments.
A thought came to me recently that has helped me as well, cleaning toilets might can do that to you. I really have been alone for the most part of my life with out these women, they have just really come and gone through out the years. I have got to reach for the “I don’t care” bar and get a firm grasp. It’s the stress that holds me back and makes my insides hurt.
We recently had our 6month post surgery check up. We were ready to get this part over and let the kid get on with being a kid. Thanks to my new job I was able to rent a car and pay for food. Sweet, thank god for air-conditioning.
Back in her town it felt different this time. Like I did’nt let it bother me. Then when I would think about it, I would say to myself, so. Came to do what we had to do.  Went to the bookstore, do some shopping, eat and head out. Didn’t give anything a second thought.

There is nothing in the rule book that says I CANNOT feel sorry for myself (as long as I don’t take it to extreme). I am a human being with real emotions! And “it” (what ever “it” is that makes me ball up and cry) hit me twice on that day. As we were driving home my kid made a statement that brought the tears on (good thing I was sitting up front and he couldn’t see)  he did not mean to, it was  just a statement like out of the mouths of babes. And then again when we got home.
Standing in my house feeling relief from making it home safe and sound, followed by sadness. Sadness because I am not friends with any of them, so I have no one to call and give the good news to. What a strange and sad feeling. Rush to the bathroom and let it out, tell myself I am just rode weary. Then confusion ……

Little Sister (but not in real life)

PS- I don’t know who is reading, but all 17 thousand plus hits can’t be bots, so thanks for making me #1 in google search. I have never been #1 before and how sad it came from a blog about estranged sisters.  I never intended it to get this far and I only started this to give myself some therapy and to see if getting it out would help release the darkness, so to speak. I think it has helped me some and so if I help a few others in between, it makes it all worth wild.

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If snappin at me and giving me the cold shoulder in life makes you happy, then Ok. If being mean to me and tryin to make me feel bad makes your day, then Ok. If erasing me out of your life and ending all contact makes you happy, Ok. I have no control over how you feel or how you deal with life.
I do however have control of my happiness and well being.
Putting myself and my family in situations where people are going to make them feel less then human and treated badly then, no thanks.

What exactly is wrong with just a little bit of kindness? what does it hurt to be kind? Does it not take much more energy to be mean and a bully?

So many questions and nobody to answer them. It’s not like  they would tell the truth, or admit they were and are mean. It won’t be talked about, it won’t be addressed. No one to say they are sorry and for them to truly mean it. When did it become ok to be mean? I know I ask this a lot!

Growing up the “other two” sisters were just somebody I was related to out there and I didn’t know them. In my head I made them nice to me, they wanted to be around me and they loved me.
Warm and fuzzy thoughts about sisters being cool and love. Funny how these two became the meanest and coldest.

Growing up with “the one” was not the warmest. I was just a body in her way or someone for her to have to take care of. I bet that was really hard after me tearing her dolls heads off. Did anyone ever stop to think maybe I was a mad and scared child because of whatever our mother got us into? Maybe she left us yet again with another relative?  And there I was a burden to my older sister. No wonder she hated me. I never did all those things that she hates about me on purpose, I never walked around with a black and cold heart. I just wanted to do good and for her to like me.

It’s sad how relationships can get destroyed by pettiness. Pure stupid shit.
It’s easy to say I won’t let it bother me today, I have things to do.

no one’s sister

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The Rotten Kid

I have always been happy for what my sister has done with her life and where she is and what she accomplished esp coming from were we did. There has never been an ounce of jealousy, just embarrassment on my part cause I could never get that far up. I made too many mistakes and been with a loser or two. But I never wished for what she had, I wished that I could have given more or done more for her when it came to helping our mom. So all I could do was work my ass off and do what they told me to do.
I never went out and did “bad” things to piss her off. I never went and ran with the big bad boys to make her life miserable. It was my life and she and I were so far apart. I once told her that I would be glad for when the day came that she got to spend her money on herself instead of mom and me. I meant it. I was not hoping for our mom to die, I just saw how much we always cost her and I was embarrassed.
I wish that from her high throne she could look down and just see me as a good person who just lives the best way a person can, who cares is I am covered in tattoos and who cares if we don’t drive new cars. But instead she what she wants to see, that rotten kid that she hates and is probably glad to be done with me. Even now being with a good man and raising a good kid and we work for what we have. It’s not a race to be better or the badder for me. I just live and try to be kind and teach my kid to be kind, it’s all I have.

I called the monument place today hoping I could get the headstone fixed on my own or maybe it was under warranty. No such luck, and it will cost $75 of which we can’t spare being so close to Christmas. And he tells me probably the drain plug got stopped up and that can cause it to crack. Fuck really? great my fault again cause I probably did it trying to keep the flowers in that I took out there. I am a 48 yr old rotten kid causing trouble once again. I didn’t mean to…..

The rotten little sister

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Bad Mommy Day

That what I call these days when my mother’s death is the first thing I think about.
This one did’nt  surprise me though, I have been doing some online BBS stuff in the small town I live in and there is a bunch of tree hugging hippies who don’t think some dead trees should be taken down at the cemetary. And I had been up for most of the night trying to make sense of it all and trying to get these yahoos to understand it is easier to replace a tree then an historic 100yr old headstone! Dumbasses.
So yes mom was on my mind first thing. What I hate about these trips is what happens during them. The one this morning started off with a flashback, one of the things I remember was when the man came to get my mom’s body I freaked out. I recall begging my sissy to not let him take her yet cause “she’s still warm!”, I cried “please no sissy no”. She’s still warm kept playing over and over in my head. So that is how I started the day. The sad part of it is the thought came across me that I wished I could call her to ask her if this happens to her? And if not when will it end for me? I can’t call, she hates me.

So continue on, I can’t bear to deal with stuff indoors today. Christmas crap I still can’t bring myself to unpack, mom’s or sister given or sister given to mom that I just stand and stare at. I can’t put this shit out and I can’t bear to look at it. After figuring out I should leave the house,it is afternoon. I get dressed and head to the cemetery thinking it was a good idea to go check and just get out of house.

I get out there and sigh of relief, no one has brought flowers since last time I did so I am still only one going out there. Get closer to the headstone and SOB! There is a nice long crack in the marble vase on my stepdad’s side. Damn! now what? I can’t repair this, we have no spare money AT ALL. Great I have to get a hold of the sister who hates me, after all she’s the one in charge of mom’s money and maybe even say so in what happens with repairs, hell I don’t know. I have to get a hold of someone who hates me! And God forbid I don’t  get a hold of her and she comes here and see’s it, guess who will get the blame for not taking care of things!!!! Either way I am subject to meanness and coldness.

Leave dead town and talk myself into going to a shop down the road to visit with a girl I haven’t seen in a year or more. Her partner is also my ex-boss so I was glad I got the nerve up to stop. Until….we have a nice chat, talk about the kids and her step-daughter comes through and she is around 6 and I am amazed cause I haven’t seen her in so long she was a little toddler last time I saw her.

She leaves the room and my friend starts to tell me that the little girl is having really hard time lately. Her real mother left her and her big brother and took off up north. The little girl hasn’t seen the real mom in 2yrs and my friend was telling me the little has become really sad a lot.
Then she made a comment that while we are standing there talking the comment repeats over and over in my head “every little girl needs her mother”. Over and over again. She’s talking and I am shaking my head and I am having major flashbacks. Mom leaving us, just me and my big sister and me asking if she was ever coming back…..snap back, it’s been 45mins now I mention to my friend, I know how she feels really, I know what that little girl feels. And I start to leave.

Car pulls up and I walk within 10 steps to mine and out comes some guy I kind of know, enough for him to call my name and stop me to chat. Shit like my brain has not had enough here. I make pleasant, he asks how I am blah blah, I tell him I don’t get out much. Now I have to ask him how he is doing, he goes on to tell me is taking classes in the big town close to us to become a CNA.
An he proceeds to tell me about how this town needs help and he wants to work with elderly people and their families and as he stood there talking right at me my brain went full blast turn turn turn turn turn. Families need help, all I could think of God I hope you can make sure they have hospice counseling! Please somebody be there for them!  He finishes and I tell him that sounded like a grand idea cause he was right this area was in bad need of help. I told him I know, I could have used some help as well with my dying mom. He says something but I can’t hear it my brain is busy talking. Just like you wished you had a counselor to help you through it, like your other sister who was supposed to be the case worker and hospice counselor. Yeah just like her. I smile and nod and say my goodbyes.
4 things went awry with me today and craziness.  I should be able to call my sissy as she would be the only one in this world who would know what I was feeling. And I can’t, she hates me.

The only good thing that I got out of today was I was able to be by myself and drive and stop and scream. It would be nice to have an ETA on when this will get better, it seems the longer it gets, the worse it gets.
Everybody has somebody, today I had no one. All the weird little scenes that happened to me today could only be understood by one person, my sister. And I can’t call, she hates me…..

I’m just me today

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In my face

I just don’t know how to deal with “the stuff”. I don’t know how to handle the pain it causes when I have to touch it and look at it. Why do I hold on to stuff that was given to me or hand made for me when they liked me? Do I give it back? Sell it? throw it away or keep it to remind myself how awful I am to them? I hate Christmas time and holidays in general because this seems to be the saddest for me.
My mom is gone and I can’t seem to get over it and all of my sisters hate me for what ever reason because I am the most rotten of rotten. When did I become so damned bad?
Recently found out that one sister told family members that if I showed up for a family Thanksgiving dinner, she would not. My self esteem could not get any lower (well yes it can) but really? This is the same one who “de-friended” a relative because she dared to mention my name! I must be the most rotten of rotten. So we didn’t go, I did not want to cause waves or problems so we spent it at home with no one and kept to ourselves. She did this out of spite, would she not know I would find out? Have they always been so mean-spirited? Is it because I stopped being her “yes” girl? Standing up and staying I am un-happy is a bad thing?
So I will hang those pretty needle points and keep the used tags (like from and with love) for a reminder of when I was wanted and loved. And I need to keep telling myself I am a good person!
Inside I know I am a good person. I am not perfect and I am not mean.
I feel mostly sorry for my son, from the time when he was 12ish and he asked me what had he done to make his aunts not like him anymore to more recently when I watched him in the hospital and no one was bringing him balloons with the goofy get well sack. All because of me.
It is such a shame that none of the “aunts” want anything to do with him, he is a great kid and all of them are missing out on being around one of the coolest kids ever.  But is it really a shame, would they use him too? Only to find out later in life that he was only used. I guess it’s a good thing they are all gone now….But the one sister.

The hate she has for me is so strong that I can’t shake it, it hovers over me and I am not even in her life. It’s like I am 8yrs old again and getting in her way.
Just like this one picture I have of us standing in front of the tree in our matching nightgowns. The space in between us shows me how much she couldn’t stand me. No arms around each other, no love. She is holding her doll away from me because she knows I will be tearing it up. I probably did. I surly don’t recall ever doing anything out of meanness. I was just a little kid and I am sorry she hated me, I still feel like that little kid and I am sorry she still hates me.

Merry FUCKING Christmas.

No ones little sister………

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The one in charge

At least before, when we didn’t have much of a relationship, we had some sort of relationship.
Before the relationship between me and my older sister was …… not so close. It’s not like we talked alot and long periods of time went between us before we would lay eyes on each other.
She had her life and I had mine. It’s not like I ever went out to make her life miserable. I wanted her to like me, always but she never really could.
I don’t remember crying like this when I was a teenager and we were really into full hate mode. She was a bitch and I was a teenager. But we were at least cordial. I can’t ever remember not attending a family get together because she was going to be there. I can remember always getting nervous and keeping my distance.
I did not know her when I was a young adult. It’s not like we were close at all. Before p/c’s
I would get a card every now and then, if she had my address. I was never good at cards and such. But I sure the hell do remember her being there for me during the death of my small child and how she took on the roll of being “the Guardian” who stood over me and helped to guide me. I look back now knowing I could NOT have made it without her.
But even after that she went her way and I went mine. It’s just how it always was until the next big drama in my life and there she was to save the day. I do without a doubt in the very depths of my soul know, that I could not have made it through rehab without her or my mom.
Then there was my mom. The part that always brought us together and it was during those last years that we found the common ground. And now she’s gone and I am not needed anymore.
I am so glad I was there for my sister to help her with mom. Even though she hates me I would hope that when the talk of my mom’s death comes up my sister would tell people “I could not have made it without my little sister being there”. I could not have done it without her.
It’s starting to hit me the hardest. Must be the holidays and/or the medical issues we have had to deal with lately.
In the month of October it has been a full year since I have talked face to face with the other sisters, the ones we refer to as “them”. Its been ok with out them around, I was without them the first part of my life and I did just fine. My son also had major surgery during that month and it just had to be in my big sisters city. The fact that she was less than 20 minutes away hovered over me like a dark cloud. I tried my very best to concentrate on my son and did well for the most part. Except for when my husband and I finally got to leave the room I spotted a couple bringing a kid some get well balloons and hospital fun stuff. It hit me pretty hard knowing no one was going to do that for him, and it was my fault.
We recently had the after surgery check up and just being in the city bothers me. Hanging out in the bookstore that I bet she goes to was weird. I wanted to leave a box of photos that don’t belong to me on their door step to save money on postage. Husband talked me out of it, he didn’t want them to think someone had left a bomb on their porch! Well there was a lot of political stuff going on so he won and we didn’t leave a package on the stoop.
One more visit in 6 months then probably no need to have to go back, to the relief of all of us.
The sadness just hangs.
I wish I knew what everyones preconception of me are? what could I have possibly done to these women to have them treat me like this? A line from a song stands out about all of this- “To build yourself up, you gotta tear me down”.  I’m sorry I was a rotten sister, I am sorry I did not do better, so just treat me like shit. Story of my life.

I just don’t think it bothers them as much as it bothers me…..

Little Sister who can’t seem to grow up

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Ahh the Flashbacks….

In the summer of 2010 while at work, I was helping out behind the bar and going through my fast pace of from one person to another I happened upon one of my sisters. SHIT! was all I could think of in an instant.
I had to maintain control, I haven’t talked with this person in a while now and things were really starting to get strained between all of them and myself by this time. I looked her straight in the eye and with a smile on my face said “hey! what can I get ya?”  I am at work, I have to maintain and keep my cool.
She tells me what she wants in a robotic curt way, and then tells me in an almost nice way “not to hurt her” meaning making her a stiff drink cause she thinks she is special. I giggle to myself thinking I could do worse then…… Well never mind.
I turn to go make her drink and SHIT now I have to wait my turn at the station. Now I have to make small talk. Awkward moment. Suddenly I remember reading  something online on a local BBS board that she had stated about how happy she was to be working downtown again.
So make small talk. “So I hear you are working downtown again, great for you!” trying my best to sound upbeat about it.
With the curt still in her voice she tells me “yes, at the fudge shop”. Nothing else. I stand there and all I can think of is “would these girls get out of my way so I can make this drink, so she can go away?!?!”
I say my goofy giggly voice, truly this is what it sounded like to me as I was so uncomfortable by the tone she was using on me. It made me so nervous. I make the comment,  something along the lines of “well cool, and you are at least in an air conditioned room huh?  Should have left out the huh? part as that opened me up to more conversation with her.
My turn to make her drink and as I am going at it, she barks at me “that’s enough” just as my hand was coming down with the bottle. Still trying to tell me what to do and how to do it. God I just want her to go away.
As I am bringing her drink to her I am still talking about how the heat is and I am really glad she works in a cooler place now instead of a hot kitchen. I hand her drink over and through the tone she snaps “it’s a chocolate shop, they HAVE to have air conditioning!”
Ummm ok, I reach for her money and still in nervous mode, try to make myself look like the air head that they all think I am! I slap myself on side of  head and say “oh but duh!!!”
Hand her back her change and she turns to walk away. That’s it, nothing more. It is so obvious that I mean nothing to this person anymore. I turn away and head to the back to gather myself as my guts are churning and my heart is breaking. And I still have to work and maintain that professional manner. When all I want to do is scream out WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU TO MAKE YOU BE SO MEAN TO ME?!?!?!
I don’t know if she ever tipped me.

I hate these flashbacks with the big meanie’s as I like to think of them now. It is getting better somewhat, if I can just get control like I did this morning when this one thing played in my head.
It makes me so sad and I let the tears fall when they came. One, two, three maybe four and wait for it…. Put in front of scene and say to self, “would you have these people as friends?”
Absolutely NOT!
Tears dry up, pull self together and look around to see what is really important and deal with that and not give the big meanie’s another second of your time.


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just tryin to be myself, better me than someone else!

that bad flaw of mine, just can’t seem to pull my self up out of the yuck! I do feel sorry for myself mother fuckers, I have done nothing wrong. Period.

I keep flashing back to-

I told this one sister who came to help pack during our last move that  I had a stack of clothes and towels  I wanted her to use to pack my china. She offered to help and I jumped! She seemed to be ok with the packing of important stuff, I wanted her to know the help was indeed appreciated!
She shows up with a crate full of newspapers to pack in. I try to explain why I want to use the clean cloth packing items and you know just because she brought that crate in, she did what she wanted and I ended up having to washing all the glass ware stuff that was covered in newspaper yuck. Not to mention extra boxes to carry the clothes?  None of this makes a lick of sense. And if you even voice any type of difference or question. That is how they made me feel, all of them. Emotional Abusers they are. Bullies. It was my china….

Reality check, my son is having some medical issues, do I really want mean people in his life?

Gotta pull myself up and stand up. My son needs me now. I don’t want him around mean ass people any way. Remembering things they have done, like that helps.  He is such a sweet and aloof  young man. Quiet and kind. Cool is how I like to describe him. If I ever did anything right in my life is my one cool teenager. We are fixin to go on the biggest ride of our 15 years together. We are the family. We have to hold each other and I am scared. There is only one other person in the world who knows what unknown horror I feel right now, she knows what my stomach is going through, my heart…. I am feeling sick.

My son and I have our moments, he knows when I am in pain and he know when to say he is sorry. He shows me love and I try to teach him about empathy. I tell him, he is perfect because he is.  He loves me and accepts me for how I am. I got a Mohawk at 43 and discovered Marilyn Manson at 48. What’s wrong with that? My guys, they like me and they think I am cool.

A human being

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Just Musing

Sound family advice I gave to myself.

Yes I know this is your town, yes you have been here longer then me. That is why I gave it up, I quit my job because I was outnumbered. When you are ganged up on, just by the up and down heaving of the gangs chests is enough to intimidate,  it’s a sick feeling. The flashing and glare of the eyes, can tell you that it is fixin to hit. No words even have to be spoken. And when they do speak the tone…. if the tone is harsh enough for someone standing next to you to notice, you better look out and be on your toes and just avoid them. I know who is going to win, so I let them have THEIR way. Bullies.
I have become a recluse in the very town they invited me in. The people who are nice to me are the people they told me to stay away from.
You work really hard for them, often for free and because you feel some sort of honor. They say they will help, but never show up. You pay them money to come help, then they leave you midway to trot off for a pleasure trip while they help someone else.  It’s a weird feeling.
And never once should you complain or try to stand up for yourself.
You do all that you can for them and they make you believe you will be rewarded because that is what they said they would do. Then they take it away and you are left to wonder what went wrong.
And never once should you complain because if you do, they will drop the ball, turn their backs and walk out of your life because you are the most evil and disgusting thing they have ever had to bother and deal with.
Don’t make my mistakes, don’t forget that you are a human. If you do forget then you will cry, a lot. Don’t waste that energy, don’t waste that time. Don’t ever feel like you don’t deserve to inhabit the same planet much less the same state. Be true to yourself and stand up and scream out that it is not ok to treat you less than human. It’s not ok to take abuse of any kind.
And if you wouldn’t have these people as friends, they sure the hell don’t deserve to have you  as a sister.

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Does this even help anymore?

I told my son today that one of my biggest flaws was feeling sorry for myself. Today is one of those days. It is an awful feeling knowing that there are people out there who I gave some much time and energy to, that I will never get back in return. They lied to me and believed them and now I am nothing to them.
What makes me the saddest today is my son, knowing that I stood up and told all of them fuck off, is the one being left out. But does he really need to be around such mean people?
It is the strangest feeling wondering why I am so awful that one sister couldn’t find it in her heart to call me and ask if I wanted to attend our uncles (man I’m named after) funeral. She is only 3 hours away, put differences aside and attend a funeral like a family should. Right whatever. I read about his funeral on the day it happened! At least with this death someone bothered to call me and tell me. They just forgot to let me know when. I wonder as she sat in that room with a child molester, ex-convict, drunks and druggies if she thought of me. Yep and I am the bad one.
We have had really bad car issues lately. A few weeks ago were were limping a long on one car while the other was in the shop. Praying sure didn’t help in this matter as the only one we had brakes failed. My husband managed to get it to a shop about 2 miles from our house and he walked home. When the latter car was ready I could not stand for my husband to have to walk alone to go get it. I walked the 2 miles with him cause I felt guilty for moving him here, knowing there are two sisters in this same fucking town and could I call them to come help? Ummm no, I had told them to fuck off! I hate mean people.
Car issues again today, we don’t have the money and next week we have to go back into the big city for my child’s pre-surgery appointment. Can I call anyone for help? Nope there is no one to call for a simple ride. My son is the one I am feeling sorry for today, not just myself.
He asked since all this car repairs are going to be so much if it meant he would not be able to attend a film school camp this summer. He was so sweet about it, no fit throwing. They are so missing out on such a cool kid. I feel guilty and helpless during times like this. Maybe if I hadn’t stood up for myself, maybe if I would have just taken the abuse.
I hate mean people.

Me, no ones sister….

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