I clean up after people, much like one sister. I have a newish job, its been a month or two but I got myself job. It’s something I am really good at. Not like my grammar or spelling or how to form sentences. I let the p/c take care of it. I am a product of my upbringing and going in and out of schools all my life. If you can read me then ok.
I don’t recall any one at home helping me with homework and such, they probably couldn’t get me to sit down long enough. I was not good in school and I never went to college. I was destined to be in the service industry by way of Mom and Grandmother. They were damned good! I learned from them.
I get my cleaning standards from a very picky Aunt who used to scare me as a young child. Her house was always clean.
I work in Housekeeping now, cleaning toilets for tourist who rent condos. I love it and it has been good for me to get out of house. I don’t have to see anyone as I come in behind plus it’s on MY side of town, not “theirs” so I won’t have to worry about them disrupting my job and treating me like a smelly wet dog. It’s my own little world without them. I am proud of what I do and I am good at it.
I have been getting much braver these past months as well, by going into town and hanging out in public. I usually text a friend to see if it is “safe” before and a few times now they did’nt send me anything back so I just said to myself “come girl, get on with it”. I have ended up having a really good time and being with nice people.
If I could just grasp that one small thing inside to not be so intimidated by them all. Bullies, sister bullies. I am trying and the new job has helped. Still have my moments.
A thought came to me recently that has helped me as well, cleaning toilets might can do that to you. I really have been alone for the most part of my life with out these women, they have just really come and gone through out the years. I have got to reach for the “I don’t care” bar and get a firm grasp. It’s the stress that holds me back and makes my insides hurt.
We recently had our 6month post surgery check up. We were ready to get this part over and let the kid get on with being a kid. Thanks to my new job I was able to rent a car and pay for food. Sweet, thank god for air-conditioning.
Back in her town it felt different this time. Like I did’nt let it bother me. Then when I would think about it, I would say to myself, so. Came to do what we had to do. Went to the bookstore, do some shopping, eat and head out. Didn’t give anything a second thought.
There is nothing in the rule book that says I CANNOT feel sorry for myself (as long as I don’t take it to extreme). I am a human being with real emotions! And “it” (what ever “it” is that makes me ball up and cry) hit me twice on that day. As we were driving home my kid made a statement that brought the tears on (good thing I was sitting up front and he couldn’t see) he did not mean to, it was just a statement like out of the mouths of babes. And then again when we got home.
Standing in my house feeling relief from making it home safe and sound, followed by sadness. Sadness because I am not friends with any of them, so I have no one to call and give the good news to. What a strange and sad feeling. Rush to the bathroom and let it out, tell myself I am just rode weary. Then confusion ……
Little Sister (but not in real life)
PS- I don’t know who is reading, but all 17 thousand plus hits can’t be bots, so thanks for making me #1 in google search. I have never been #1 before and how sad it came from a blog about estranged sisters. I never intended it to get this far and I only started this to give myself some therapy and to see if getting it out would help release the darkness, so to speak. I think it has helped me some and so if I help a few others in between, it makes it all worth wild.