NO Love Here

Oh damn, I should have put that note on the mailbox. I just knew this year the valentine act would not happen.  Why the hell would it not go the way I wanted it? At least the one sister got it right, she stopped ALL contact. Meaning birthday, christmas and valentines. She stopped on the whole family.  The shock over that took a couple of years to get over. She was the one who told me the worst thing you could ever do to another human being is to not care. No contact, no emotion. Wow she was soooo right

In the mean time (no really MEAN) the passive aggressive bullies that are near me won’t stop. They dropped off a flyer about LOVE. I got sick to my stomach. It’s like rubbing hate in my face. Nothing special, just the general one that gets handed out.  The last time one of these people saw my husband, she threatened him with violence! What was it like in that car in front of my house during the am drop off. Was any of them like “ewww why are we here?”

That is the weird stuff that gets in my head, then it simmers. I am so insulted. And creeped out as well. I spent the whole day on valentines trying to come up with a scathing letter to them. I want them to stay away now. I had decided that this flyer would be the was to my closure.

Resentment is not good  yada yada yada. I know this and there is some good reading out there. I read it, re-read it.  I keep going back to this one post:

“If you don’t tell anyone, ever, that they hurt you, then nobody would ever know their behavior might have been out of line. Which it is entirely possible it isn’t – everybody screws up sometimes.”

This is why I have this overwhelming need to get this stuff off my chest. Let it go, have my say whatever. I know for a fact I do not want anything to do with such negativity. And I don’t want it around my son.  Creeps.  I have 3 choices here.

1. Go to the postmaster like the husband suggested (at least he brought this one in, one yr he threw one away knowing how much getting that trash hurt me)

2. Ignore it. After I get over the rage of it, like I have done in the past.

3. End it. Return said flyer back to senders along with drama filled note filled with capital letters stating: NO MORE.

I keep leaning towards #3.


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Creeps and Bullies

They all creep me out. To the point of me not wanting to go out to any events that they MIGHT be at! If they will just stay away from me and ignore me that would be great, but it is the confrontation that I fear. I feel it simmering in my belly, I try to prepare myself for it.
I don’t work in public anymore and I have no one to answer to but myself and my two man army. That gives me power. Power to stand up and scream GET AWAY FROM ME YOU UGLY MEAN PEOPLE!

I just want them to leave me and mine alone, just like they have been. We are not friends and now I can stand up for myself and let that be known. With Valentines coming up I am starting to freak out, I had better not get anything from them. Hateful people giving words of love? I will be putting a note on my mailbox telling them not to touch it!

Going on 4 months since last contact. I have been having my moments of rage and sadness. I research how to deal with issues and such and it has helped.

I have it in my head now that I did not have two of these people in my life for the first 20 or so years  and I was ok. I knew about them and was aware of them. No different then today. I hope I am better prepared to handle any dealings. Creeps

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Better off without you

We were once close as two women who only met as adults could be. I always thought she and I shared more then the others. Being we were the “bad” ones. We had lots of fun and went through some wild and strange times. But something happened. I saw the light?  I don’t know it’s like
she woke up one day and decided she hated me.
I have seen this women be so sweet to her friends then in the same breath, turn an snap at me because she could. using her body language, railroading me down because she could. Because I let her. I didn’t stand up and say “Hey you can’ treat me that way!” I just let her do it. That sharp cutting tone in her voice. Sending me straight down because I was nothing and she could.
Why? because she is my sister. So are you really supposed to let them walk over you and treat you like dog shit on the bottom of their shoes, because there may be blood or half blood relation? Blood does not make it ok and again I have to ask myself, would I have these people as friends? The answer is no. Bullies. I do know I could have never have treated her so badly as she did me.
I don’t see her or the others anymore. I don’t want to. What does one say to people who will never admit they were wrong and who will never admit that they were mean and hurt your feelings?
Cold and heartless.

Little Sister

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Never did make the wedding. Am a little sad about it.  Did not make up my mind until that afternoon. I went through the clothes and talked myself into going it solo. Husband bad sick, had already missed a couple days work so he got to weasel. I tried on outfits and set my mind going until I literally talked myself out of going! I almost let a panic attack take over but I got a grip and let my husband know why I was not going. Not going to lie about it anymore, I just don’t want to deal with any weirdness, alone.
That was it, I did not want to see them. That is how I refer to my estranged sisters now. Not family, not friends.  Just them.
I have found myself scanning parking lots lately. I just want to be ready if I run into them.
I would rather just completely avoid being around them. I noticed the other day while going to the store with my husband. As I got out of the car I guess I made a funny “hummmm” noise. When asked what I was thinking, I told him I thought it strange how I did not scan the lot. I explained what I had been doing lately and how I felt with him being with me, that there was strength in numbers.
He looked at me and said yes, yes there is.

I just don’t like being around mean, angry  and ugly people. Alone.

Little Sister

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On being Nice

If people ask why I am in this town,  I tell them because of the school system we as family chose. Really it was because two sisters are here and the other close by. It was going to be fun and we were all supposed to live happily ever after.
So corny sounding.
Reality, we came and I worked for and with them, took abuse from them and way before the death of my mother I saw the relationships start to fade. When no one showed up to help me unload the moving van that was when I knew something was wrong.
I just don’t want to be around mean people any more. I am trying to put myself in a much better state of mind. I saw one sister pulling out of her drive recently. I have to pass and I freeze. Split second, bam put that smile on my face and drive 10 and 2. I try to drive around with a smile on my face just in case I do see any of them. Just smile and keep it a real smile, I am a better person.
I am going to a wedding soon, I worry they will be there. I just hope I will be able to handle myself with Grace and Style! I have been avoiding going out recently because I MIGHT see them, and when I did step out one evening was relieved to not have to deal with them. I don’t like mean people. I myself have a right to be mad and I don’t have to subject myself around bitter, mean people. Why can’t people play nice anymore?

Little Sister

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Alone Time

One of the bad things ( sad things) of being estranged from sisters is health issues. I have issues I am dealing with and sometimes it is a sucky feeling sitting in the doctors office, alone and being in the same town as two. One could be there with me at the appointment while my boobs get smashed and afterwards we could all meet up with another sister and have lunch! Reality check, that was a different time, when they liked me. I try not to be so sad when I have to go to these visits. I use the hours drive for reflection time and I don’t mind shopping alone too much. There were a couple of visits that I really had wished someone was there with me. My husband will go with me if needed, it’s just I try not to ask for the regular “follow up” ones. I did have a bad day not too long ago, being in the big city and out shopping and can’t help but notice girl couples. Laughing and doing what girls do when they shop together. I had to leave the store and go to the car and have a nice cry. Some times it really sucks.
My big sister once told me the harshest thing you could do to another human being is to not care.
Simple, you show no hate and you give no emotion. You simply stop caring for that person.
God she was so right, it works. And it does not feel good. It is very heavy and lonely. Sad.

Little Sister

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festering mad

why can’t it be  ok to get mad? You know the type of mad that if you are angry, you are able to express it with out everyone around you freaking out? I wish I had a relationship with my sisters where I could be who I am and experience the kind of mad, when you feel you have been wronged by a person and you are able to stand up and say “HEY! that’s wrong!”, you discuss it and move on.
No I have to hold my stuff in, till they push me to the edge and I let it out. Bullies. It is not ok to be human around these women. I express anger and then next thing you know, we don’t talk for a year (this happened with one). Then one day it was 5 years . Now we just don’t…..
I would just like to be able to get mad, and it be ok.

Little Sister

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Am I the only one?

It is always said that there are three sides to every story. Yours, mine and the truth. This is about my side and my life without my estranged sisters. One day I had to look up the meaning of estranged. As I read the meanings I was like “yep” and “that’s me” and “ok then”. Maybe it made me feel better or not,  but it gave me a word for my feelings.  I esp related to the part of-
“Synonyms: estrange, alienate, disaffect
These verbs refer to disruption of a bond of love, friendship, or loyalty. Estrange and alienate are often used with reference to two persons whose harmonious relationship has been replaced by hostility or indifference”.

Then I took it further and looked up Bullying. Right on the mark of all of it.

The four markers of bullying:
-Bullying is a conscious act.  It is a deliberate act of aggression and is always done against a perceived weak target.
-The bully always has more power in some way (size, maturity, age, more acceptable race or ethnic group)
-The bully always intends to harm their target.
-The bully leaves their target with threats of future aggression and terror.

Types of bullying:
-Verbal – the most common form, can be insults, humiliating comment, name calling, taunting, harassing.
-Physical-easiest to see from the outside, can be tripping, punching, shoving, pinching, hair pulling
-Social/relational – hard to detect and usually indirect, can be shunning and exclusion, done through body language like dismissive looks, mean and degrading notes, ignoring, spreading rumors
-Cyber-bullying – newest form of bullying, using text messaging, email, chat rooms, and other social media to send threatening and degrading messages, harass, or spread rumors

It’s  become obvious that the hope to be treated with kindness and respect are never going to happen with these women. I want to be the only one out there that this is or has happened to cause it all seems so wrong. It is just plain wrong.
How can family who say they love you, be so damn mean? Bullies.
This is not the way it was supposed to be.
Slowly reaching out for an end to the “why” factor. Feeling the “need to know” finally winding down. It’s just sad.

The question I keep  asking  is, if these women were not related, and behaved in the same way, would you keep them as a friend? of course not . Then I ask myself can I treat them as badly as they do me? I want to, but deep down I don’t have that behavior in me.
Blood is not thicker than water, least not in my case.

Yep, this is me in a nutshell. One day there was love and that “harmonious relationship” and over a course of 5yrs the bonds I had forged with all 3 sisters have deteriorated.  Gone. I live in the same small town with 2 of them and this “thing” between us all gotten so bad that they will leave a room when I walk in.
And I just carry on like it doesn’t bother me when deep down I am screaming “Why don’t you like me anymore!?!?”

This is for me, my therapy and I am hoping that by putting my thoughts and feelings out there it will help someone else. I want to be the only one in this club, just because it is so sad but I am sure there are more of us. I have unbelievable stories to tell and random thoughts to share.  Maybe someone will share with me……

And there you have it,
Little Sister

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Hello world!

I don’t know if it will ever be right again, and it is not so easy to forgive and much too soon to  forget.

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