Here we go!

I clean up after people, much like one sister. I have a newish job, its been a month or two but I got myself job. It’s something I am really good at. Not like my grammar or spelling or how to form sentences. I let the p/c take care of it. I am a product of my upbringing and going in and out of schools all my life. If you can read me then ok.
I don’t recall any one at home helping me with homework and such, they probably couldn’t get me to sit down long enough. I was not good in school and I never went to college. I was destined to be in the service industry by way of Mom and Grandmother. They were damned good! I learned from them.
I get my cleaning standards from a very picky Aunt who used to scare me as a young child. Her house was always clean.
I work in Housekeeping now, cleaning toilets for tourist who rent condos. I love it and it has been good for me to get out of house.  I don’t have to see anyone as I come in behind plus it’s on MY side of town, not “theirs” so I won’t have to worry about them disrupting my job and treating me like a smelly wet dog. It’s my own little world without them. I am proud of what I do and I am good at it.
I have been getting much braver these past months as well, by going into town and hanging out in public. I usually text a friend to see if it is “safe” before and a few times now they did’nt send me anything back so I just said to myself  “come girl, get on with it”. I have ended up having a really good time and being with nice people.
If I could just grasp that one small thing inside to not be so intimidated by them all. Bullies, sister bullies. I am trying and the new job has helped. Still have my moments.
A thought came to me recently that has helped me as well, cleaning toilets might can do that to you. I really have been alone for the most part of my life with out these women, they have just really come and gone through out the years. I have got to reach for the “I don’t care” bar and get a firm grasp. It’s the stress that holds me back and makes my insides hurt.
We recently had our 6month post surgery check up. We were ready to get this part over and let the kid get on with being a kid. Thanks to my new job I was able to rent a car and pay for food. Sweet, thank god for air-conditioning.
Back in her town it felt different this time. Like I did’nt let it bother me. Then when I would think about it, I would say to myself, so. Came to do what we had to do.  Went to the bookstore, do some shopping, eat and head out. Didn’t give anything a second thought.

There is nothing in the rule book that says I CANNOT feel sorry for myself (as long as I don’t take it to extreme). I am a human being with real emotions! And “it” (what ever “it” is that makes me ball up and cry) hit me twice on that day. As we were driving home my kid made a statement that brought the tears on (good thing I was sitting up front and he couldn’t see)  he did not mean to, it was  just a statement like out of the mouths of babes. And then again when we got home.
Standing in my house feeling relief from making it home safe and sound, followed by sadness. Sadness because I am not friends with any of them, so I have no one to call and give the good news to. What a strange and sad feeling. Rush to the bathroom and let it out, tell myself I am just rode weary. Then confusion ……

Little Sister (but not in real life)

PS- I don’t know who is reading, but all 17 thousand plus hits can’t be bots, so thanks for making me #1 in google search. I have never been #1 before and how sad it came from a blog about estranged sisters.  I never intended it to get this far and I only started this to give myself some therapy and to see if getting it out would help release the darkness, so to speak. I think it has helped me some and so if I help a few others in between, it makes it all worth wild.

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Whatever

If snappin at me and giving me the cold shoulder in life makes you happy, then Ok. If being mean to me and tryin to make me feel bad makes your day, then Ok. If erasing me out of your life and ending all contact makes you happy, Ok. I have no control over how you feel or how you deal with life.
I do however have control of my happiness and well being.
Putting myself and my family in situations where people are going to make them feel less then human and treated badly then, no thanks.

What exactly is wrong with just a little bit of kindness? what does it hurt to be kind? Does it not take much more energy to be mean and a bully?

So many questions and nobody to answer them. It’s not like  they would tell the truth, or admit they were and are mean. It won’t be talked about, it won’t be addressed. No one to say they are sorry and for them to truly mean it. When did it become ok to be mean? I know I ask this a lot!

Growing up the “other two” sisters were just somebody I was related to out there and I didn’t know them. In my head I made them nice to me, they wanted to be around me and they loved me.
Warm and fuzzy thoughts about sisters being cool and love. Funny how these two became the meanest and coldest.

Growing up with “the one” was not the warmest. I was just a body in her way or someone for her to have to take care of. I bet that was really hard after me tearing her dolls heads off. Did anyone ever stop to think maybe I was a mad and scared child because of whatever our mother got us into? Maybe she left us yet again with another relative?  And there I was a burden to my older sister. No wonder she hated me. I never did all those things that she hates about me on purpose, I never walked around with a black and cold heart. I just wanted to do good and for her to like me.

It’s sad how relationships can get destroyed by pettiness. Pure stupid shit.
It’s easy to say I won’t let it bother me today, I have things to do.

no one’s sister

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The Rotten Kid

I have always been happy for what my sister has done with her life and where she is and what she accomplished esp coming from were we did. There has never been an ounce of jealousy, just embarrassment on my part cause I could never get that far up. I made too many mistakes and been with a loser or two. But I never wished for what she had, I wished that I could have given more or done more for her when it came to helping our mom. So all I could do was work my ass off and do what they told me to do.
I never went out and did “bad” things to piss her off. I never went and ran with the big bad boys to make her life miserable. It was my life and she and I were so far apart. I once told her that I would be glad for when the day came that she got to spend her money on herself instead of mom and me. I meant it. I was not hoping for our mom to die, I just saw how much we always cost her and I was embarrassed.
I wish that from her high throne she could look down and just see me as a good person who just lives the best way a person can, who cares is I am covered in tattoos and who cares if we don’t drive new cars. But instead she what she wants to see, that rotten kid that she hates and is probably glad to be done with me. Even now being with a good man and raising a good kid and we work for what we have. It’s not a race to be better or the badder for me. I just live and try to be kind and teach my kid to be kind, it’s all I have.

I called the monument place today hoping I could get the headstone fixed on my own or maybe it was under warranty. No such luck, and it will cost $75 of which we can’t spare being so close to Christmas. And he tells me probably the drain plug got stopped up and that can cause it to crack. Fuck really? great my fault again cause I probably did it trying to keep the flowers in that I took out there. I am a 48 yr old rotten kid causing trouble once again. I didn’t mean to…..

The rotten little sister

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Bad Mommy Day

That what I call these days when my mother’s death is the first thing I think about.
This one did’nt  surprise me though, I have been doing some online BBS stuff in the small town I live in and there is a bunch of tree hugging hippies who don’t think some dead trees should be taken down at the cemetary. And I had been up for most of the night trying to make sense of it all and trying to get these yahoos to understand it is easier to replace a tree then an historic 100yr old headstone! Dumbasses.
So yes mom was on my mind first thing. What I hate about these trips is what happens during them. The one this morning started off with a flashback, one of the things I remember was when the man came to get my mom’s body I freaked out. I recall begging my sissy to not let him take her yet cause “she’s still warm!”, I cried “please no sissy no”. She’s still warm kept playing over and over in my head. So that is how I started the day. The sad part of it is the thought came across me that I wished I could call her to ask her if this happens to her? And if not when will it end for me? I can’t call, she hates me.

So continue on, I can’t bear to deal with stuff indoors today. Christmas crap I still can’t bring myself to unpack, mom’s or sister given or sister given to mom that I just stand and stare at. I can’t put this shit out and I can’t bear to look at it. After figuring out I should leave the house,it is afternoon. I get dressed and head to the cemetery thinking it was a good idea to go check and just get out of house.

I get out there and sigh of relief, no one has brought flowers since last time I did so I am still only one going out there. Get closer to the headstone and SOB! There is a nice long crack in the marble vase on my stepdad’s side. Damn! now what? I can’t repair this, we have no spare money AT ALL. Great I have to get a hold of the sister who hates me, after all she’s the one in charge of mom’s money and maybe even say so in what happens with repairs, hell I don’t know. I have to get a hold of someone who hates me! And God forbid I don’t  get a hold of her and she comes here and see’s it, guess who will get the blame for not taking care of things!!!! Either way I am subject to meanness and coldness.

Leave dead town and talk myself into going to a shop down the road to visit with a girl I haven’t seen in a year or more. Her partner is also my ex-boss so I was glad I got the nerve up to stop. Until….we have a nice chat, talk about the kids and her step-daughter comes through and she is around 6 and I am amazed cause I haven’t seen her in so long she was a little toddler last time I saw her.

She leaves the room and my friend starts to tell me that the little girl is having really hard time lately. Her real mother left her and her big brother and took off up north. The little girl hasn’t seen the real mom in 2yrs and my friend was telling me the little has become really sad a lot.
Then she made a comment that while we are standing there talking the comment repeats over and over in my head “every little girl needs her mother”. Over and over again. She’s talking and I am shaking my head and I am having major flashbacks. Mom leaving us, just me and my big sister and me asking if she was ever coming back…..snap back, it’s been 45mins now I mention to my friend, I know how she feels really, I know what that little girl feels. And I start to leave.

Car pulls up and I walk within 10 steps to mine and out comes some guy I kind of know, enough for him to call my name and stop me to chat. Shit like my brain has not had enough here. I make pleasant, he asks how I am blah blah, I tell him I don’t get out much. Now I have to ask him how he is doing, he goes on to tell me is taking classes in the big town close to us to become a CNA.
An he proceeds to tell me about how this town needs help and he wants to work with elderly people and their families and as he stood there talking right at me my brain went full blast turn turn turn turn turn. Families need help, all I could think of God I hope you can make sure they have hospice counseling! Please somebody be there for them!  He finishes and I tell him that sounded like a grand idea cause he was right this area was in bad need of help. I told him I know, I could have used some help as well with my dying mom. He says something but I can’t hear it my brain is busy talking. Just like you wished you had a counselor to help you through it, like your other sister who was supposed to be the case worker and hospice counselor. Yeah just like her. I smile and nod and say my goodbyes.
4 things went awry with me today and craziness.  I should be able to call my sissy as she would be the only one in this world who would know what I was feeling. And I can’t, she hates me.

The only good thing that I got out of today was I was able to be by myself and drive and stop and scream. It would be nice to have an ETA on when this will get better, it seems the longer it gets, the worse it gets.
Everybody has somebody, today I had no one. All the weird little scenes that happened to me today could only be understood by one person, my sister. And I can’t call, she hates me…..

I’m just me today

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In my face

I just don’t know how to deal with “the stuff”. I don’t know how to handle the pain it causes when I have to touch it and look at it. Why do I hold on to stuff that was given to me or hand made for me when they liked me? Do I give it back? Sell it? throw it away or keep it to remind myself how awful I am to them? I hate Christmas time and holidays in general because this seems to be the saddest for me.
My mom is gone and I can’t seem to get over it and all of my sisters hate me for what ever reason because I am the most rotten of rotten. When did I become so damned bad?
Recently found out that one sister told family members that if I showed up for a family Thanksgiving dinner, she would not. My self esteem could not get any lower (well yes it can) but really? This is the same one who “de-friended” a relative because she dared to mention my name! I must be the most rotten of rotten. So we didn’t go, I did not want to cause waves or problems so we spent it at home with no one and kept to ourselves. She did this out of spite, would she not know I would find out? Have they always been so mean-spirited? Is it because I stopped being her “yes” girl? Standing up and staying I am un-happy is a bad thing?
So I will hang those pretty needle points and keep the used tags (like from and with love) for a reminder of when I was wanted and loved. And I need to keep telling myself I am a good person!
Inside I know I am a good person. I am not perfect and I am not mean.
I feel mostly sorry for my son, from the time when he was 12ish and he asked me what had he done to make his aunts not like him anymore to more recently when I watched him in the hospital and no one was bringing him balloons with the goofy get well sack. All because of me.
It is such a shame that none of the “aunts” want anything to do with him, he is a great kid and all of them are missing out on being around one of the coolest kids ever.  But is it really a shame, would they use him too? Only to find out later in life that he was only used. I guess it’s a good thing they are all gone now….But the one sister.

The hate she has for me is so strong that I can’t shake it, it hovers over me and I am not even in her life. It’s like I am 8yrs old again and getting in her way.
Just like this one picture I have of us standing in front of the tree in our matching nightgowns. The space in between us shows me how much she couldn’t stand me. No arms around each other, no love. She is holding her doll away from me because she knows I will be tearing it up. I probably did. I surly don’t recall ever doing anything out of meanness. I was just a little kid and I am sorry she hated me, I still feel like that little kid and I am sorry she still hates me.

Merry FUCKING Christmas.

No ones little sister………

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