The one in charge

At least before, when we didn’t have much of a relationship, we had some sort of relationship.
Before the relationship between me and my older sister was …… not so close. It’s not like we talked alot and long periods of time went between us before we would lay eyes on each other.
She had her life and I had mine. It’s not like I ever went out to make her life miserable. I wanted her to like me, always but she never really could.
I don’t remember crying like this when I was a teenager and we were really into full hate mode. She was a bitch and I was a teenager. But we were at least cordial. I can’t ever remember not attending a family get together because she was going to be there. I can remember always getting nervous and keeping my distance.
I did not know her when I was a young adult. It’s not like we were close at all. Before p/c’s
I would get a card every now and then, if she had my address. I was never good at cards and such. But I sure the hell do remember her being there for me during the death of my small child and how she took on the roll of being “the Guardian” who stood over me and helped to guide me. I look back now knowing I could NOT have made it without her.
But even after that she went her way and I went mine. It’s just how it always was until the next big drama in my life and there she was to save the day. I do without a doubt in the very depths of my soul know, that I could not have made it through rehab without her or my mom.
Then there was my mom. The part that always brought us together and it was during those last years that we found the common ground. And now she’s gone and I am not needed anymore.
I am so glad I was there for my sister to help her with mom. Even though she hates me I would hope that when the talk of my mom’s death comes up my sister would tell people “I could not have made it without my little sister being there”. I could not have done it without her.
It’s starting to hit me the hardest. Must be the holidays and/or the medical issues we have had to deal with lately.
In the month of October it has been a full year since I have talked face to face with the other sisters, the ones we refer to as “them”. Its been ok with out them around, I was without them the first part of my life and I did just fine. My son also had major surgery during that month and it just had to be in my big sisters city. The fact that she was less than 20 minutes away hovered over me like a dark cloud. I tried my very best to concentrate on my son and did well for the most part. Except for when my husband and I finally got to leave the room I spotted a couple bringing a kid some get well balloons and hospital fun stuff. It hit me pretty hard knowing no one was going to do that for him, and it was my fault.
We recently had the after surgery check up and just being in the city bothers me. Hanging out in the bookstore that I bet she goes to was weird. I wanted to leave a box of photos that don’t belong to me on their door step to save money on postage. Husband talked me out of it, he didn’t want them to think someone had left a bomb on their porch! Well there was a lot of political stuff going on so he won and we didn’t leave a package on the stoop.
One more visit in 6 months then probably no need to have to go back, to the relief of all of us.
The sadness just hangs.
I wish I knew what everyones preconception of me are? what could I have possibly done to these women to have them treat me like this? A line from a song stands out about all of this- “To build yourself up, you gotta tear me down”.  I’m sorry I was a rotten sister, I am sorry I did not do better, so just treat me like shit. Story of my life.

I just don’t think it bothers them as much as it bothers me…..

Little Sister who can’t seem to grow up

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