Bad Mommy Day

That what I call these days when my mother’s death is the first thing I think about.
This one did’nt  surprise me though, I have been doing some online BBS stuff in the small town I live in and there is a bunch of tree hugging hippies who don’t think some dead trees should be taken down at the cemetary. And I had been up for most of the night trying to make sense of it all and trying to get these yahoos to understand it is easier to replace a tree then an historic 100yr old headstone! Dumbasses.
So yes mom was on my mind first thing. What I hate about these trips is what happens during them. The one this morning started off with a flashback, one of the things I remember was when the man came to get my mom’s body I freaked out. I recall begging my sissy to not let him take her yet cause “she’s still warm!”, I cried “please no sissy no”. She’s still warm kept playing over and over in my head. So that is how I started the day. The sad part of it is the thought came across me that I wished I could call her to ask her if this happens to her? And if not when will it end for me? I can’t call, she hates me.

So continue on, I can’t bear to deal with stuff indoors today. Christmas crap I still can’t bring myself to unpack, mom’s or sister given or sister given to mom that I just stand and stare at. I can’t put this shit out and I can’t bear to look at it. After figuring out I should leave the house,it is afternoon. I get dressed and head to the cemetery thinking it was a good idea to go check and just get out of house.

I get out there and sigh of relief, no one has brought flowers since last time I did so I am still only one going out there. Get closer to the headstone and SOB! There is a nice long crack in the marble vase on my stepdad’s side. Damn! now what? I can’t repair this, we have no spare money AT ALL. Great I have to get a hold of the sister who hates me, after all she’s the one in charge of mom’s money and maybe even say so in what happens with repairs, hell I don’t know. I have to get a hold of someone who hates me! And God forbid I don’t  get a hold of her and she comes here and see’s it, guess who will get the blame for not taking care of things!!!! Either way I am subject to meanness and coldness.

Leave dead town and talk myself into going to a shop down the road to visit with a girl I haven’t seen in a year or more. Her partner is also my ex-boss so I was glad I got the nerve up to stop. Until….we have a nice chat, talk about the kids and her step-daughter comes through and she is around 6 and I am amazed cause I haven’t seen her in so long she was a little toddler last time I saw her.

She leaves the room and my friend starts to tell me that the little girl is having really hard time lately. Her real mother left her and her big brother and took off up north. The little girl hasn’t seen the real mom in 2yrs and my friend was telling me the little has become really sad a lot.
Then she made a comment that while we are standing there talking the comment repeats over and over in my head “every little girl needs her mother”. Over and over again. She’s talking and I am shaking my head and I am having major flashbacks. Mom leaving us, just me and my big sister and me asking if she was ever coming back…..snap back, it’s been 45mins now I mention to my friend, I know how she feels really, I know what that little girl feels. And I start to leave.

Car pulls up and I walk within 10 steps to mine and out comes some guy I kind of know, enough for him to call my name and stop me to chat. Shit like my brain has not had enough here. I make pleasant, he asks how I am blah blah, I tell him I don’t get out much. Now I have to ask him how he is doing, he goes on to tell me is taking classes in the big town close to us to become a CNA.
An he proceeds to tell me about how this town needs help and he wants to work with elderly people and their families and as he stood there talking right at me my brain went full blast turn turn turn turn turn. Families need help, all I could think of God I hope you can make sure they have hospice counseling! Please somebody be there for them!  He finishes and I tell him that sounded like a grand idea cause he was right this area was in bad need of help. I told him I know, I could have used some help as well with my dying mom. He says something but I can’t hear it my brain is busy talking. Just like you wished you had a counselor to help you through it, like your other sister who was supposed to be the case worker and hospice counselor. Yeah just like her. I smile and nod and say my goodbyes.
4 things went awry with me today and craziness.  I should be able to call my sissy as she would be the only one in this world who would know what I was feeling. And I can’t, she hates me.

The only good thing that I got out of today was I was able to be by myself and drive and stop and scream. It would be nice to have an ETA on when this will get better, it seems the longer it gets, the worse it gets.
Everybody has somebody, today I had no one. All the weird little scenes that happened to me today could only be understood by one person, my sister. And I can’t call, she hates me…..

I’m just me today

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