Here we go!

I clean up after people, much like one sister. I have a newish job, its been a month or two but I got myself job. It’s something I am really good at. Not like my grammar or spelling or how to form sentences. I let the p/c take care of it. I am a product of my upbringing and going in and out of schools all my life. If you can read me then ok.
I don’t recall any one at home helping me with homework and such, they probably couldn’t get me to sit down long enough. I was not good in school and I never went to college. I was destined to be in the service industry by way of Mom and Grandmother. They were damned good! I learned from them.
I get my cleaning standards from a very picky Aunt who used to scare me as a young child. Her house was always clean.
I work in Housekeeping now, cleaning toilets for tourist who rent condos. I love it and it has been good for me to get out of house.  I don’t have to see anyone as I come in behind plus it’s on MY side of town, not “theirs” so I won’t have to worry about them disrupting my job and treating me like a smelly wet dog. It’s my own little world without them. I am proud of what I do and I am good at it.
I have been getting much braver these past months as well, by going into town and hanging out in public. I usually text a friend to see if it is “safe” before and a few times now they did’nt send me anything back so I just said to myself  “come girl, get on with it”. I have ended up having a really good time and being with nice people.
If I could just grasp that one small thing inside to not be so intimidated by them all. Bullies, sister bullies. I am trying and the new job has helped. Still have my moments.
A thought came to me recently that has helped me as well, cleaning toilets might can do that to you. I really have been alone for the most part of my life with out these women, they have just really come and gone through out the years. I have got to reach for the “I don’t care” bar and get a firm grasp. It’s the stress that holds me back and makes my insides hurt.
We recently had our 6month post surgery check up. We were ready to get this part over and let the kid get on with being a kid. Thanks to my new job I was able to rent a car and pay for food. Sweet, thank god for air-conditioning.
Back in her town it felt different this time. Like I did’nt let it bother me. Then when I would think about it, I would say to myself, so. Came to do what we had to do.  Went to the bookstore, do some shopping, eat and head out. Didn’t give anything a second thought.

There is nothing in the rule book that says I CANNOT feel sorry for myself (as long as I don’t take it to extreme). I am a human being with real emotions! And “it” (what ever “it” is that makes me ball up and cry) hit me twice on that day. As we were driving home my kid made a statement that brought the tears on (good thing I was sitting up front and he couldn’t see)  he did not mean to, it was  just a statement like out of the mouths of babes. And then again when we got home.
Standing in my house feeling relief from making it home safe and sound, followed by sadness. Sadness because I am not friends with any of them, so I have no one to call and give the good news to. What a strange and sad feeling. Rush to the bathroom and let it out, tell myself I am just rode weary. Then confusion ……

Little Sister (but not in real life)

PS- I don’t know who is reading, but all 17 thousand plus hits can’t be bots, so thanks for making me #1 in google search. I have never been #1 before and how sad it came from a blog about estranged sisters.  I never intended it to get this far and I only started this to give myself some therapy and to see if getting it out would help release the darkness, so to speak. I think it has helped me some and so if I help a few others in between, it makes it all worth wild.

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4 Responses to Here we go!

  1. B Kiser says:

    Hi, I’m the oldest, and through the years I have been the scapegoat and the only sister that has, bit by bit been excluded from family celebrations. Our mother died 5 years ago, our dad died 15 years ago. Without them, I feel that I have no family.
    Believe it or not I am the oldest of 6. One brother communicates with me and the other is completely in their control.
    I have tried to offer apologies for old hurts…”please let’s start fresh”. They don’t let me in.
    I have several friends that are friends with sibs. I can’t help but feel betrayed when friends have contact with my sibs. I feel like moving far away and starting my life over.

    • 1 of 4 says:

      I could have written this. I just want to build a new family. I have very good relationships with friends, which is good because it really hurts when I hear my 3 sisters have gotten together again without me. It never used to bother me until I was told that they do not tell me on purpose becasue they are afraid I would get upset. Well I did not get upset before, but now I do. To be purposely excluded and then have an agreement to not tell me because I would get upset when I did not, really hurts on many levels.

  2. sad older sister says:

    My younger (middle) sister and I haven’t spoken in 6 months and I don’t want to end up living separate lives over stupid, petty differences. Your blog reminds me that sisterly relationships are just as, or even more, fragile than romantic relationships. It takes constant effort to stay connected and serious strength to forgive hurts of the past or to ask for forgiveness for mistakes you have made. I hope you and your family can reconcile and I hope my sister and I still have a shot at friendship.

  3. Kim says:

    My sister is 6 years my junior, and disowned me about 12 years ago, and it has destroyed so many in our family. I could not believe it happened then and I still struggle with why or how she thought this would be a good decision. I don’t trust her now. I don’t really miss HER, I miss the family get togethers where we all laughed, reminisced. I never could have imagined living separate lives from my sister and family. I have made so many attempts to get to the bottom of it, but she hasn’t done anything to make an effort. I feel like Cinderella….not being able to go to the family gatherings, while my other two sisters go on vacation, and have relationships. She decided she would never be at anything that I was attending. I am not allowed to attend gatherings where she will be. I wrote her a letter of forgiveness for ME so that I can try to move on with my life. She text me thanking me for it. I forgave her because it is too painful for me that she has never attempted a reunion, and that I am not necessary.

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