The one in charge

At least before, when we didn’t have much of a relationship, we had some sort of relationship.
Before the relationship between me and my older sister was …… not so close. It’s not like we talked alot and long periods of time went between us before we would lay eyes on each other.
She had her life and I had mine. It’s not like I ever went out to make her life miserable. I wanted her to like me, always but she never really could.
I don’t remember crying like this when I was a teenager and we were really into full hate mode. She was a bitch and I was a teenager. But we were at least cordial. I can’t ever remember not attending a family get together because she was going to be there. I can remember always getting nervous and keeping my distance.
I did not know her when I was a young adult. It’s not like we were close at all. Before p/c’s
I would get a card every now and then, if she had my address. I was never good at cards and such. But I sure the hell do remember her being there for me during the death of my small child and how she took on the roll of being “the Guardian” who stood over me and helped to guide me. I look back now knowing I could NOT have made it without her.
But even after that she went her way and I went mine. It’s just how it always was until the next big drama in my life and there she was to save the day. I do without a doubt in the very depths of my soul know, that I could not have made it through rehab without her or my mom.
Then there was my mom. The part that always brought us together and it was during those last years that we found the common ground. And now she’s gone and I am not needed anymore.
I am so glad I was there for my sister to help her with mom. Even though she hates me I would hope that when the talk of my mom’s death comes up my sister would tell people “I could not have made it without my little sister being there”. I could not have done it without her.
It’s starting to hit me the hardest. Must be the holidays and/or the medical issues we have had to deal with lately.
In the month of October it has been a full year since I have talked face to face with the other sisters, the ones we refer to as “them”. Its been ok with out them around, I was without them the first part of my life and I did just fine. My son also had major surgery during that month and it just had to be in my big sisters city. The fact that she was less than 20 minutes away hovered over me like a dark cloud. I tried my very best to concentrate on my son and did well for the most part. Except for when my husband and I finally got to leave the room I spotted a couple bringing a kid some get well balloons and hospital fun stuff. It hit me pretty hard knowing no one was going to do that for him, and it was my fault.
We recently had the after surgery check up and just being in the city bothers me. Hanging out in the bookstore that I bet she goes to was weird. I wanted to leave a box of photos that don’t belong to me on their door step to save money on postage. Husband talked me out of it, he didn’t want them to think someone had left a bomb on their porch! Well there was a lot of political stuff going on so he won and we didn’t leave a package on the stoop.
One more visit in 6 months then probably no need to have to go back, to the relief of all of us.
The sadness just hangs.
I wish I knew what everyones preconception of me are? what could I have possibly done to these women to have them treat me like this? A line from a song stands out about all of this- “To build yourself up, you gotta tear me down”.  I’m sorry I was a rotten sister, I am sorry I did not do better, so just treat me like shit. Story of my life.

I just don’t think it bothers them as much as it bothers me…..

Little Sister who can’t seem to grow up

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Ahh the Flashbacks….

In the summer of 2010 while at work, I was helping out behind the bar and going through my fast pace of from one person to another I happened upon one of my sisters. SHIT! was all I could think of in an instant.
I had to maintain control, I haven’t talked with this person in a while now and things were really starting to get strained between all of them and myself by this time. I looked her straight in the eye and with a smile on my face said “hey! what can I get ya?”  I am at work, I have to maintain and keep my cool.
She tells me what she wants in a robotic curt way, and then tells me in an almost nice way “not to hurt her” meaning making her a stiff drink cause she thinks she is special. I giggle to myself thinking I could do worse then…… Well never mind.
I turn to go make her drink and SHIT now I have to wait my turn at the station. Now I have to make small talk. Awkward moment. Suddenly I remember reading  something online on a local BBS board that she had stated about how happy she was to be working downtown again.
So make small talk. “So I hear you are working downtown again, great for you!” trying my best to sound upbeat about it.
With the curt still in her voice she tells me “yes, at the fudge shop”. Nothing else. I stand there and all I can think of is “would these girls get out of my way so I can make this drink, so she can go away?!?!”
I say my goofy giggly voice, truly this is what it sounded like to me as I was so uncomfortable by the tone she was using on me. It made me so nervous. I make the comment,  something along the lines of “well cool, and you are at least in an air conditioned room huh?  Should have left out the huh? part as that opened me up to more conversation with her.
My turn to make her drink and as I am going at it, she barks at me “that’s enough” just as my hand was coming down with the bottle. Still trying to tell me what to do and how to do it. God I just want her to go away.
As I am bringing her drink to her I am still talking about how the heat is and I am really glad she works in a cooler place now instead of a hot kitchen. I hand her drink over and through the tone she snaps “it’s a chocolate shop, they HAVE to have air conditioning!”
Ummm ok, I reach for her money and still in nervous mode, try to make myself look like the air head that they all think I am! I slap myself on side of  head and say “oh but duh!!!”
Hand her back her change and she turns to walk away. That’s it, nothing more. It is so obvious that I mean nothing to this person anymore. I turn away and head to the back to gather myself as my guts are churning and my heart is breaking. And I still have to work and maintain that professional manner. When all I want to do is scream out WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU TO MAKE YOU BE SO MEAN TO ME?!?!?!
I don’t know if she ever tipped me.

I hate these flashbacks with the big meanie’s as I like to think of them now. It is getting better somewhat, if I can just get control like I did this morning when this one thing played in my head.
It makes me so sad and I let the tears fall when they came. One, two, three maybe four and wait for it…. Put in front of scene and say to self, “would you have these people as friends?”
Absolutely NOT!
Tears dry up, pull self together and look around to see what is really important and deal with that and not give the big meanie’s another second of your time.

LittleSister

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just tryin to be myself, better me than someone else!

that bad flaw of mine, just can’t seem to pull my self up out of the yuck! I do feel sorry for myself mother fuckers, I have done nothing wrong. Period.

I keep flashing back to-

I told this one sister who came to help pack during our last move that  I had a stack of clothes and towels  I wanted her to use to pack my china. She offered to help and I jumped! She seemed to be ok with the packing of important stuff, I wanted her to know the help was indeed appreciated!
She shows up with a crate full of newspapers to pack in. I try to explain why I want to use the clean cloth packing items and you know just because she brought that crate in, she did what she wanted and I ended up having to washing all the glass ware stuff that was covered in newspaper yuck. Not to mention extra boxes to carry the clothes?  None of this makes a lick of sense. And if you even voice any type of difference or question. That is how they made me feel, all of them. Emotional Abusers they are. Bullies. It was my china….

Reality check, my son is having some medical issues, do I really want mean people in his life?

Gotta pull myself up and stand up. My son needs me now. I don’t want him around mean ass people any way. Remembering things they have done, like that helps.  He is such a sweet and aloof  young man. Quiet and kind. Cool is how I like to describe him. If I ever did anything right in my life is my one cool teenager. We are fixin to go on the biggest ride of our 15 years together. We are the family. We have to hold each other and I am scared. There is only one other person in the world who knows what unknown horror I feel right now, she knows what my stomach is going through, my heart…. I am feeling sick.

My son and I have our moments, he knows when I am in pain and he know when to say he is sorry. He shows me love and I try to teach him about empathy. I tell him, he is perfect because he is.  He loves me and accepts me for how I am. I got a Mohawk at 43 and discovered Marilyn Manson at 48. What’s wrong with that? My guys, they like me and they think I am cool.

A human being

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Just Musing

Sound family advice I gave to myself.

Yes I know this is your town, yes you have been here longer then me. That is why I gave it up, I quit my job because I was outnumbered. When you are ganged up on, just by the up and down heaving of the gangs chests is enough to intimidate,  it’s a sick feeling. The flashing and glare of the eyes, can tell you that it is fixin to hit. No words even have to be spoken. And when they do speak the tone…. if the tone is harsh enough for someone standing next to you to notice, you better look out and be on your toes and just avoid them. I know who is going to win, so I let them have THEIR way. Bullies.
I have become a recluse in the very town they invited me in. The people who are nice to me are the people they told me to stay away from.
You work really hard for them, often for free and because you feel some sort of honor. They say they will help, but never show up. You pay them money to come help, then they leave you midway to trot off for a pleasure trip while they help someone else.  It’s a weird feeling.
And never once should you complain or try to stand up for yourself.
You do all that you can for them and they make you believe you will be rewarded because that is what they said they would do. Then they take it away and you are left to wonder what went wrong.
And never once should you complain because if you do, they will drop the ball, turn their backs and walk out of your life because you are the most evil and disgusting thing they have ever had to bother and deal with.
Don’t make my mistakes, don’t forget that you are a human. If you do forget then you will cry, a lot. Don’t waste that energy, don’t waste that time. Don’t ever feel like you don’t deserve to inhabit the same planet much less the same state. Be true to yourself and stand up and scream out that it is not ok to treat you less than human. It’s not ok to take abuse of any kind.
And if you wouldn’t have these people as friends, they sure the hell don’t deserve to have you  as a sister.

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Does this even help anymore?

I told my son today that one of my biggest flaws was feeling sorry for myself. Today is one of those days. It is an awful feeling knowing that there are people out there who I gave some much time and energy to, that I will never get back in return. They lied to me and believed them and now I am nothing to them.
What makes me the saddest today is my son, knowing that I stood up and told all of them fuck off, is the one being left out. But does he really need to be around such mean people?
It is the strangest feeling wondering why I am so awful that one sister couldn’t find it in her heart to call me and ask if I wanted to attend our uncles (man I’m named after) funeral. She is only 3 hours away, put differences aside and attend a funeral like a family should. Right whatever. I read about his funeral on the day it happened! At least with this death someone bothered to call me and tell me. They just forgot to let me know when. I wonder as she sat in that room with a child molester, ex-convict, drunks and druggies if she thought of me. Yep and I am the bad one.
We have had really bad car issues lately. A few weeks ago were were limping a long on one car while the other was in the shop. Praying sure didn’t help in this matter as the only one we had brakes failed. My husband managed to get it to a shop about 2 miles from our house and he walked home. When the latter car was ready I could not stand for my husband to have to walk alone to go get it. I walked the 2 miles with him cause I felt guilty for moving him here, knowing there are two sisters in this same fucking town and could I call them to come help? Ummm no, I had told them to fuck off! I hate mean people.
Car issues again today, we don’t have the money and next week we have to go back into the big city for my child’s pre-surgery appointment. Can I call anyone for help? Nope there is no one to call for a simple ride. My son is the one I am feeling sorry for today, not just myself.
He asked since all this car repairs are going to be so much if it meant he would not be able to attend a film school camp this summer. He was so sweet about it, no fit throwing. They are so missing out on such a cool kid. I feel guilty and helpless during times like this. Maybe if I hadn’t stood up for myself, maybe if I would have just taken the abuse.
I hate mean people.

Me, no ones sister….

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