I am the youngest of 5. All half siblings and trying to lay it all out confuses most people.
My mother gave birth to 3, 1 son and 2 daughters. Before I was born my father had 2 daughters.
My brother was taken by his father when he was an infant so I grew up only knowing OF him. I would later on in life have only few contact moments with him.
It was something we didnt’ talk about. I was raised with my only sister from my mom and met one sister when I was a child and she was teenager and didn’t meet my other sister until I was an adult. Again I alway knew about the other sisters but was not allowed to talk about them, only at my grandmothers from my dad’s side.
I guess I had a normal, what ever normal is, upbringing when it came to being the younger sister of a perfect girl. No resent there only the truth, my mother loved and needed my oldest sister more than me and it was a fact of life. I was a jerk of a child, and did not really have a relationship with my sister until my early 20’s when she stepped in to be with me during the death of my first child. That was when we really became close and began acting like real sisters.
I would again meet with another one when my father flew me to his town after the funeral.
The will be a recurring Death Theme in here.
I would later on in my 30’s meet the oldest of my sisters, at my fathers funeral. By this time in my adult life my life was complete with all 3 sisters in my life, full time and full on relationships. I did my best to be a good and dependable little sister. Always being there when they needed me and always asking and taking their advice. Always doing what they told me to do. In some cases not being able to live my life with out one sister telling me how to do it. And having another one bullying and scarring me into submission with just her tone and body language.
I took it all and let them all use me until the death of my mother 5yrs ago. That was when it all slowly started to change and one by one they began to leave me and my family’s life. So death can bring family together and death can certainly tear families apart. This is going to be my journey now as I try to continue on in life with out my sisters.
Found your blog while looking up sibling estrangement. I sure feel your suffering through your writing. We share the, “sister does not love me/wants no relationship at all” story. Very sad…..for all of us. I do believe that after trying several times to talk and connect with absolutely nothing but an e-mail sent back saying “being my sister causes her nothing but extreme pain and she cannot survive having me as a sister” (what the &$@##%%..??????) , I have accepted that her mental illness is the cause of our estrangement and I cannot fix that. I know in my heart I have done nothing that would warrant throwing me away. She simply does not love/need/want me as her sister. I must accept her decision. But some days, like today, it is so hard and so very sad. Especially when she still has a relationship with our 3 other siblings and they with her.
I’m new to “sister estrangement” although I have felt it coming for quite some time. If you ask my sister, she will tell you she has good reasons for no longer speaking to me….but her “reasons” are constantly changing.
In 2010, I went through an afwul divorce. My husband at that time was being investigated by children services for abusing our children. We have 4 together. The abuse had been going on for quite some time and depression made me become such a shell of a person that I was helpless to do anything for my children. My sister had always been there for me even though we had our differences….we had always been there for each other. She knew about the abuse….she despised my soon to be ex…..and I was looking forward to growing a closer bond with her once my divorce was final.
Half way through the investigation by child services and the divorce, my sister stopped calling me. A week had gone by and I had not heard from her so I called her to vent, which was normal for both of us to do with each other. I cried to her about something that had taken place during the week and she was very quiet….the only thing she had to say was “you need to watch what you say to people….I cannot help you right now”. She hung up. Three days later, she was at my ex-husband’s house playing basketball with him in the driveway.
Weeks went by without a word from her. She posted pictures on Facebook where she had gone on vacation with my ex. She tagged him in photos of her children and mine. She assisted him in creating a Facebook page for my 12 year old and then proceeded to block me from the page so I would not know my own son had a page.
Things like this went on for months. They spent more and more time together. Holidays, birthdays, social events…..and not a word was spoken to me. I finally broke down and cried to my mother about how hurt I was by my sisters actions. I had gone through the worst time of my life without my sister. My mother’s explanation is that my sister was upset with me about something I had said 2 years earlier during Christmas. I was stunned. My sister would abandon me during the most trying time of my life because of something I said 2 years earlier? But of course, my mother could not tell me what it was that I had said that was so disturbing. I finally emailed my sister and waited 3 more months for a response. All the while, I kept getting reports from friends and family that my sister was upset about “A”…or “B”….or maybe “C”…..her excuse for cutting me off kept changing depending on who you spoke to.
I finally got an email back from her. She claimed that I had lied to her about my ex, that he was actually a wonderful person…..she claimed he had never hit my children, even though the school called children’s services on him and I had photos to prove it. She also claimed that I had sabotaged her childhood and ruined her life.
It has been a year and a half. The sting of the estrangement still burns. I live in a small town and when my sister comes to visit my parents (and my ex), the whole town knows.
I’m glad to have found this site. I don’t know who started it but I’m so happy that you did. I want to start a support group for people that have suffered wrongfully from estrangement. A little background about me: I am the adopted child in my family….my sister is my parents biological child.
not sure why…perhaps it’s the trime of year…that made me search sister estrangement and here I am…happy that i am not alone, yet saddened that anyone can throw away a sister relationship over a misunderstanding – not willing to discuss – respond – reply – just a total shutout without explanation. Well for anyone who stumbles across this site, I encourage you to forgive them (in absentia) let go and love the people who love you back. I have learned this year, that this joy, from my friends, far outweighs the sadness and exclusion my sister has given me this year. 2013 will be a much brighter stronger sunnier year, now that i have let go! Bye sis – wishing you love health and happiness…I will not be calling you anymore 🙂 🙂
I also am estranged from 2 sisters,one 5 yrs older than me & one 5 yrs younger than me! So glad that I live several states away…it’s extremely stressful to see them! My Mom recently took ill & while waiting for her surgery to be over one sis did say Hi back to me & the other turned her head and didn’t even acknowledge me! I’ve tried off & on to extend the olive branch & also asked about doing a trip with them to reconnect,but they’d never commit when time was getting near for it to come to fruition!! A priest told me yrs ago to forget them as they have me, & added “your friends are your chosen family now”. He said since I had cancer & I hadn’t heard from them,but a card months after the fact,…that I didn’t need to feel the added stress & to let it be. He added ‘ You know in your heart that you did the best all that you could for this relationship which now must end’!!Easier said then done. I did have to put away reminders of them since it does hurt! Silliness started it,total silliness!
It’s so sad that sister’s are estranged from each other. I found this site by a search that I did on sister estrangement. I too have been estranged from my only sister for about 4 years now. During those 4 years, we had very little contact, but now we don’t have any contact except for funerals. She sent me a birthday card, and I sent it back with a note saying that I know that she is just pretending to love and care about me for me again, like she was pretending for the 8 years that I helped her with her household chores. Our situation is such a mess that I don’t think that our trust problems will ever be resolved. I know that I didn’t write the full details of what exactly happened to destroy our relationship, but I’m saving that for a later message. I just feel that she was taking my kindness for weakness…
I came across this site while seeking to understand why my sister has behave towards me the way she has. I am the one who has cut her off. I also cut off my mother too and can honestly say I have never been happier; although I am still bemused why my sister has been so toxic towards me and it goes back to childhood. Sibling rivalry surely can’t be the explanation?!?
The childhood stuff was probably normal. I am almost 3 years older. My sister stole from me repeatedly (but I wasn’t allowed a lock on my door and she was never dealt with), she would also blame me for things she had done (my mother was always shoot first and never ask questions) and if there was ever an opportunity to grass me up for something I had done, she took it (meanwhile I kept quiet to her transgressions). By our teens our relationship was badly damaged.
We did repair things a little in our 20s but that all came to an end when we found out we were half sisters, not the full sisters we grew up believing. My parents had been briefly married when I was born, he decided it was a mistake, she had an affair with a married man around the time he left and my sister was conceived. My sister’s birth certificate is a work of fiction. Obviously my mother didn’t take kindly to her skeletons falling out of the cupboard and my sister’s world fell apart. I picked her up and also around that time paid her debts when the bailiffs came calling and so her ultimate betrayal was all the more hurtful.
There were two things that made me break off ties.
When I was 14 I was sexually abused my uncle (mother’s brother). It happened on a holiday to visit my grandmother who lived in another country so the abuse lasted 3 months. I always knew it would end so put up and shut up. On my return home I resumed my life and buried the past. Then one day 8 days ago he arrived in the country and the pain came flooding back. My sister called me almost immediately and said “he abused you”. She had always known. I asked her repeatedly not to tell anyone. That it was my secret and down to me who I told and when. She did not respect that and within weeks it felt like the whole world knew my secret. My mother found out from a third party who my sister had told and her reaction? She left the most vicious message on my phone accusing me of lying and racism. I have never spoken my mother since and I never will. I eventually walked into a police station and spent 3 days re-living what he did only to subsequently find that neither my sister nor my mother were prepared to help catch him. He had been staying with my mother for months before he moved on (illegal immigrant) and she refused to tell the police where he was. She still has a contact number for him on her phone. And my sister? She told the police she was too young at the time to have known I was being abused (11) and has no recollection of the call she made to me in which she told me I had been abused. Never mind the need to finally unburden herself of an awful secret she carried to the whole world.
The second act of betrayal that I will never forgive my sister is that she knew I was married to a violent drunk. She had messages from him threatening me. She gave me copies of the messages but the police couldn’t use the copies as evidence. But when it came to the crunch she not only didn’t help me, she became a defence witness when my ex was being prosecuted. What she told the court I do not know. The police only asked me how well did I get on with her. I didn’t even know she had given evidence until she told me in an email blaming me for the stressful time that she had had because of it.
So as far as I am concerned if I ever see these 2 again it will be too soon. Some relationships are just toxic and need to be left behind. Although I am left wondering what the motivations were, particularly my sister’s. Can sibling jealousy really be responsible for this? And what did I do or not do to deserve this? I am not jealous of her, just very angry.
I just want to say I stumbled upon your blog looking for estranged sister issues. I feel the pain! Your siblings are usually the ones you have the longest relationship with, you know them better then your parents, then your spouse, etc… The extreme personal anger and unhappiness that comes from having to part ways with one you have no memory of being without. I wish I was less attached to my sister and would find an easier time letting go, but I guess after 24 years of verbal, physical and emotional abuse and bulling takes its toll. When everyone around me sees my unhappiness, yet my sister is oblivious to it even when I tell it to her face. Sometimes the obvious isn’t so obvious to those who choose to ignore it.
I don’t have much advice because I’m just at the beginning of this struggle, but I can say that in the end your happiness (our happiness) is the only thing important to us and you shouldn’t let that go for anyone else!
I have two sisters and two brothers. Both of our parents have passed away. I am the second child to an older sister and younger sister and two younger brothers. I have tried so hard to get my sisters to talk to me. My heart hurts. It has been 5 almost 6 years since they have cut me out of their lives. I call them and they say that they will call me back, but never do. I really just want to talk and see what is going on. I miss them. They talk a lot together and go on vacations together. I am so stupid. My older sister had said in the beginning “I wish you well and hope you have a good life” and that was it. I am still in contact with my brothers. They talk to them sometimes and do not know what is wrong either.
Most of the time I am great and focus in my life, but sometimes I just really would like to connect with them. I would love to say “good bye and good riddins”. We are all in our 60s. If just seems like we could work it out, but I don’t know what to do. Feeling very depressed about it, today. Tomorrow, I want to wake up and just say “have a good life and good bye.”
I am too estranged from my sister. I don’t know where to begin. I miss her a lot.
I have been estranged from my sister for about 13 years. To make a long story short, I did not want my son to be involved with a girl who had a lot of baggage. My sister went around my back and got involved with this girl, welcomed her with open arms like a long lost relative!! My son and I have struggled over the years to maintain a relationship… My sister, in the meantime, decided it was ok to take on my role as grandma to MY grandchildren.. She even used a picture of herself and my granddaughter as her facebook picture. My sister has no boundaries. I don’t want her in my life… but I feel obligated to send a birthday card. I don’t even know how to sign it.
I’m estranged from my sister and I view this as a support group. I’ve looked up sites and what not but everything talks about mending fences and admitting where you’re wrong and you know what, I don’t want to mend fences. All I want to do is move on with my life in peace. I’m just tired of the never ending cycle of me doing wrong by my sister for made up reasons. My sister’s problem with me is that I exist. She will never stop competing with me and our individual happiness is a mutually exclusive concept for her. I couldn’t get married before her but I can’t get married after her either. If I graduate college, advance in my career, that to her is a direct insult to her made specifically by me solely to attak her. This is what I’ve dealt with. For me to admit all of the wrong I’ve done to her would be an outright lie. I’m not going to purposely fail at life just so she can feel good about herself and quite frankly I don’t see why I need to hide these things while she can stand on a pillar all the time. Enough is enough for me and all I want is for her to leave me alone. I want to move on and I don’t care how it sounds to say the only thing I did wrong in this relationsip was being born. Spoke my peace.
WOW. There are so many of us! I join that crowd. Estranged from one sister for 8 years and my other sister for 1 year. My parents have both passed so I have no blood family left. Quite sad really but I just am thankful that my mom is not here to see this. Her biggest fear in life was that the three of us would someday be out of eachother’s lives and, now we are. I am making my peace with it and moving on. What else can be done? This life is not fair, never has been, never will be. Vincent, party of 1!
Same here. Sister and I have been estranged for well over 15 years – she & my mother have narcissistic personality disorder and always trying to undermine me. They have gone to the extreme of alienating my only daughter from me. Mom is 92 years and I went for a visit – just a huge mistake on my part – treated as invisible – sister made nasty comment to me “What are you doing here”! – the tone was beyond belief. Discovered my mom has completely remodeled my sister’s house – inside & out – then went on to tell me, “you got yours” (when I haven’t gotten anything).
About 13 years ago I moved just to get away from the toxic environment (really toxic) – mother & sister, niece (a convicted felon) with 2 kids by different fathers (1 convicted violent offender) who has been put on a pedestal by mother & sister. The moving away from this environment helped tremendously but when family dismisses you it is heart-breaking. I am the only one who has put myself through college, held public service jobs. It is beyond me why families are so toxic and destructive towards another family member who has done absolutely nothing to bring this about.